Honestly, I adore him. I admire him. I like him and I dont wanna lie to my self if I say nothing happen with me. Yeah. Even I don't say anything to him but yeah I feel it. I don't know why I enjoy all my time with him. I enjoy it all. I even need more time to be with him. But you know what for some reason I should stop my feeling. Because I know he isn't with me. You know what, that is so hard. You know, I should act like I don't care. I should like I don't jealous. I should be like I am fine and I am okay. And even I am happy when he tell me everything about her. Yeap, I am sure happy at that time. Because I don't realize it yet. And time by time, I don't know why it happen. Since he tell me 'it', yeah, time by time happen, I still hide that. I do not hope anything at that time, if he is happy then I am happy. I said yes, oh iya that was good news, oh, it sounds nice I am happy for you. Some of them I always said something like that even my heart always said, nov you are hurt, why you said like that. Many things happen, he with the other one after that. As I know he with the other one, and I ask him if you not love her, why you with her? And days left, at that time i start to avoid him. I mean actually I feel like he isn't like before, he has changed and it maybe because her girl. Maybe he wants only with her girl and I feel like I am unwanted. And start from that I began to avoid. You know how difficult it was, it was so difficult. But I am happy sometimes I still heard some story from him. Until one day he said he wasn't with her anymore. I don't know how I should be act, should I am happy or not, in my thinking if he was happy and I did. But the truth Was I was happy. Because I didn't need to avoid him anymore.
But someday He asked me about the other one to me, I said yes, if you comfortable with her, why not? You know how my feeling at that time, it was so hurt you know, lol, I didn't know why at that time it more difficult to accept by me than the other one before that girl. I didnt know why it so hard. But you know, I said like that because I ask to myself who I am. But actually the answer was not I don't know. I know the answer, but I don't want to said it. I fall. I am falling in at that time but I should act like I don't. But when I heard some story here I can't help my self to say that I am okay. I am jealous. Is he know about it? Or dia memang sengaja bercerita agar aku tidak lagi jatuh. Entahlah aku tak mengerti. Sejak saat itu, kadang2 aku masih mendengar cerita tentang dia tapi karena hati ini tidak begitu kuat responnku pun sedikit berubah, ya, kurasa dia meraskannya. Aku tak pandai menyembunyikan rasa cemburuku. Ya, aku mengakui itu. Dan sejak itu kamilah tidak terlalu sering seperti biasa berbicara, aku takut mengganggu dan tak enak hati. Yah, aku bukan siapa siapa dan aku hrus mengerti itu. Aku hrus paham itu. Sebenarnya tak pantas aku berbicara tentang hal ini sementara aku masih belajar, tapi apalah, aku ingin sekali menuliskannya. Walaupun ini hanya sebatas tulisan saja dan belum teratur ku pikir ku harus sedikit mengeluarkan isi otakku. Sebenarnya aku bercerita kepada temanku tapi kalimatku tidak seperti ini. Maksudnya aku tidak langsung mengaktakan pada mereka bahwa aku jealous. lol. But here I said that. Aku sedikit menjauh darinya karena tak ingin mengganggu. Karena aku tak ingin jadi penyebab hancurnya hubungan seseorang karena aku selain karena obrolanku yang dijawab terlu singkat yang menunjukkan sebuah penolakan halus menurutku. Aku tak tau apakah itu benar atau tidak tapi perasaanku mengatakan seperti dia bukan milikmu, nov dan dia punya dia. Kamu tidak berhak untuk melakukan itu padanya. Makanya saat itu aku sedikit menjauh. Tapi bukan malah menghilang rasa ini, malah makin menjadi. Entahlah dia muncul dari mana. Aku hanya berfikir aku harus menghentikan rasa ini, aku bukan siapa siapa. Yah. Banyak sekali. Dan aku tidak memgerti.
Ya pada suatu saat dia berkata dia tidak lagi, aku tidak tau, why it grows so deep, i don't know I can't stop my feeling. Until tonight what test he've done to me I still have the same feeling. It don't change anything. I am still with him. Bahkan jika aku mengatakan hal kasar yang ku maksudkan itu, aku tetap tak bermaksud. Ya. Maafkanlah. Aku tidak tau jika itu akan menyakti dan membuatnya jadi seperti ini. Aku tidak mengerti kenapa tes itu. Aku hanya ingin dipercaya. Tenang saja, abahku selalu percaya padaku dan bagaimana mungkin aku mengingkari keprcayaan orang yang aku sayangi. Yah, hanya seperti itu. Maafkanlah aku tak bermaksud. Jika memang bnar aku sejahat itu tak apa, dan aku tak sebaik itu. ya akhirnya tak apalah, yang jelas adalah aku bukan anak kecil lagi dan seharusnya aku punya kontrol emosi dan pengendalian diri yang lebih baik lagi. Ya, aku tidak mengerti, kenapa setelah mengatakannya aku begitu tertekan. Aku merasa aku begitu jahat. Yah, aku terbawa emosi. Aku sebenarnya hanya ingin kau tau, tak ada yang lain. The one and only you. Tapi bisa bercanda denganku seperti itu. Yah harusnya aku bisa tau itu bercanda tapi itu seakan seperti tidak. Entahlah. Emosiku begitu buruk karena aku sebenarnya hanya ingin bicara. Tidak lebih. Maafkan. Aku tidak bermaksud. Aku benar benar menghargai dan menghormatimu dan menyayangimu. And all what you said influence me.